Ask God to Deal With You First
"And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins." — 1 Peter 4:8
The Method That Works
Running a home as a base of ministry, with a steady stream of people staying there for years, produces a great deal of friction. Here is what one believer found to be the most effective response:
When there is difficulty with someone in the house — rebellion, or whatever else — get on your face before the Lord and ask Him to deal with you.
Almost always, the Holy Spirit then shows some area of her own life that is not fully pleasing to Him. As she deals with that area, she finds that the Lord is then free to deal with the problem in the other person's life — without her ever having to say a word to them.
The Distinction She Draws
This is not a rule for every situation, and the boundary matters.
If someone is living in active, open sin, then as head of the household she is responsible to speak to them about it and deal with the situation. That is not optional.
But for what she calls "matters of the heart" — rebellion, anger, resentment, coldness — the Lord taught her it is far better to ask the Holy Spirit to deal with the person than to talk to them herself.
Here is the reason, and it is a compassionate one:
Anger and many other emotions are usually defense mechanisms, used unconsciously, because of terrible insecurity.
And the Holy Spirit is the only one who can convict someone of wrongness in those areas without destroying them.
You cannot. Your correction, however accurate, lands on the wound the behavior was protecting.
The Verse Underneath
"And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8)
That is what covering sins means here. Not ignoring them. Not pretending. Taking them to God rather than to the person, and dealing with yourself first.
"Charity suffereth long, and is kind... is not easily provoked." (1 Corinthians 13:4–5)
If we genuinely love someone who does many things that irritate us, we will get on our face before God and ask Him to deal with us, so that we can fulfil the conditions of love.
Why This Works
As we stay humbly in prayer before the Lord, He is then free to flow through us and around us to work in other people's lives.
Our own unaddressed issues obstruct that flow. We are attempting to correct someone while standing in the way of the only One who can actually change them.
Point to Ponder
Your correction, however accurate, lands on the wound the behavior was protecting. The Holy Spirit is the only one who can convict without destroying.
Verse to Remember
"And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins." — 1 Peter 4:8
Question to Consider
Who am I about to correct — and have I asked God to deal with me first?
Today's Practice
Take the person who is currently most irritating you. There is always one.
First, classify the problem. Is this active, open sin that you have a genuine responsibility to address? Or is it a matter of the heart — anger, coldness, rebellion, resentment?
If it is the first, you must speak, and you should do so soon, humbly, and privately.
If it is the second, do the harder thing instead.
Get on your face and pray:
"Father, deal with me. Show me what is in my life that is not pleasing to You. I am not asking You to change them right now — I am asking You to change me."
Then wait, and write down what He shows you. It will very likely have nothing obvious to do with the person who irritated you.
Deal with what He shows. Confess it, remove it, make it right.
Then say nothing to them. Let the Holy Spirit do the work. Watch what happens over the coming weeks.
Most people who try this are startled by the result — and startled again by how much of the problem turned out to be sitting on their own side of it.
Prayer
Father, I have a list of people who need to change, and I have been keeping it for years.
I have been quick to correct and slow to examine. I have taken matters to people that I should have taken to You.
Deal with me.
Show me what is in my life that is not pleasing to You — and I suspect it is not what I would guess. As You show me, I will deal with it rather than argue.
And for the person I am most irritated by right now: give me love that suffers long and is kind and is not easily provoked. Let me remember that their anger is probably defending a wound I cannot see.
You are the only one who can convict them without destroying them. So I will be quiet and let You.
Flow through me and around me. Get me out of Your way. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Ask God to change you and watch what happens to them. It is startling how often it works.